#6… Suicide Hurts Everyone You Love…by Terri Lucher

Before my attempt, Thomas had to deal with me at my darkest, most depressed, and irrational.  He thought just like anyone would, that I had complete control of my thoughts and that this was purposeful.  What he didn’t know is that I had no control of my thoughts or actions. 

On the day of my attempt, I asked him for a divorce, breaking his heart.  Then I swallowed 800+ pills.  He could have done a lot of things, but what he did is save my life.  His concern and love for me overrode all the bad.  He became my hero, when no one from the EMS to the hospital thought there was any chance that I would survive. 

For the next almost 3 weeks, it was constant stress for him and everyone who loves me.  He is thinking I want a divorce and I did this on purpose.  Everyone I love is thinking the same thing.  Most everyone is very angry with me, but they still love me and are praying very hard for me to be ok.  It was minute by minute for a long time, then hour by hour.  Thomas never had a moment to process any of this and was traumatized the whole time and even told to tell me goodbye.  There was never a moment when he and everyone I love didn’t think I was dying.  If it was possible I could survive, they were all thinking I would be completely dependent and in a nursing home forever.  It was ugly.  

He definitely has PTSD from all the stress and what I put him thru.  How could he have PTSD, he wasn’t in a war?  He was traumatized by the constant fear of me dying and everything that went wrong with my body and organs.  When one thing looked better another thing would fail.  It was a rollercoaster in Hell for him.  I can’t imagine the stress and the feelings he and everyone was having. 

I am so sorry for everything I put all my loved ones thru, because it was horrific for them.  Though I had no idea what I was doing, I am sorry for how this affected everyone and what everyone had to see and feel and all the worry and stress it caused. 

When I initially woke up I was completely incoherent (I was unaware of this).  Remember, Thomas still thinks I want a divorce and now I’m talking out of my mind and extremely confused, what is he going to do now.  He is thinking our life was over.  He is thankful that I am alive but fearful of the future.  For several days, I am completely confused and it’s starting to look like this is how things are going to be.  His stress level is rising because now he is thinking maybe he made a mistake saving me.  I can’t imagine the feeling. 

I began to think straight and could tell him I absolutely did not want a divorce or to die, he was relieved.  Then he realizes I am as weak as an infant and now is worrying about to what extent I could physically recover.  It was still unclear if I would be on dialysis for the rest of my life or not.  He began to think we would have to sell or place and move to the city where medical help would be for me and he is also thinking this hospitalization and recovery will surly bankrupt us.  More Stress.

I slowly recovered, made small improvements in strength, dialysis was eventually stopped and I was able to go to TIRR for more intensive rehab.  Now that he didn’t have the stress of my survival to worry about, the thoughts and memories of the whole hospitalization came back repeatedly.  He tried not to let me see, but I could tell he was distant and stressed and nervous. 

Not until my return home did I see how all this affected him.  I had lots of questions and he had to explain a lot that he didn’t want to talk about when I was in rehab.  He didn’t want me to lose focus.  Talking about everything that happened caused him a lot of sadness.  He was emotional and cried a lot.  I didn’t want to push him for answers but I wanted to know everything.  He would just look at me and start crying.  I then, wouldn’t ask questions because I didn’t want to hurt him. 

If a scene in a movie or commercial would tug on his heart he would get emotional.  I was so confused about why he was so sad.  I was alive and it looked like I was going to be ok, to me it seemed like we should be over the moon happy.  Remember I was unconscious during the time he was under extreme stress, so I didn’t experience any of it.  If a song came on the radio that had sad lyrics about couples he would break down.  I asked him to consider counseling or to get in a PTSD group but he didn’t want to see a counselor and PTSD groups are impossible to find.  Over the long time that I have been recovering, he has gotten better and better, but still gets emotional when a triggering talk, song or scene hits him. 

Please no one EVER Play Tim McGraw’s… Don’t Take The Girl..  That one is the worst for him, because he prayed for God not to take me constantly.

Now I pray for his wellbeing every day and am so thankful for his unconditional love for me.  I have my hero here with me and we are so much more in love now.  He even says, if it took this horrible, traumatic situation to get where we are now.  It was worth it.  I’m a whole new positive, happy person and we are a whole new couple.  We will be renewing our vows this year in October.