#1 What caused my feelings of depression and poor self esteem… by Terri Lucher

Long story short…. I always knew growing up something was off but had no idea what it could be.  My mother was very controlling, cold and hard to please, what is now obvious, she was a textbook narcissist.

Well into my adulthood and after both the man I thought was my father and my biological father had passed away, my mother told me… She had an affair and got pregnant with me and that’s really all she told me, definitely not the whole story.  What everyone should know is that Phillip Boyd (the only father I’ve ever known) was the greatest.  He loved me so much and I am so very thankful for him.  He put up with a lot of horrible treatment from my mom, he loved her unconditionally.  I knew as a child her treatment of him was wrong and I never wanted to be like her.   Trying to please her was a constant goal that was never going to be possible.  My desire to please her lasted her entire life, I even lived with and cared for her for 2 years after my marriage until her last breath.  Now I realize this was her master plan, that she groomed me to fulfill.

After her death, the rest of the story came out a little at a time.  My mother controlled her story.  For a small person, she had a lot of power.  There were lots of people who knew the truth but were not allowed to say a word.  Her power was somehow ironclad.  I do know that if you crossed her she would cut you out of her life for good, no matter who you were. She was a little bit scary.

The truth, verified by many.  I was the product of an affair.  My father had moved out and my biological dad moved in.  Back in the 60’s affairs and out of wedlock children were not accepted.  Of course, everyone in town knew what happened and this was embarrassing and problematic for everyone involved.  The relationship didn’t work out, they broke up and now my mother was going to be a single mom with a newborn.  She decided to give me away to her very best friend Elsie and her husband Jr. who could not have children.  They named me “Alicia Renee” this is typed on my birth certificate and they took me home from the hospital to Hattiesburg Mississippi.  When my brother Brad came home from school, he of course asked where his little sister was, and mom told him.  He was not happy with this news and convinced her to go and get me.  They drove to Mississippi and took me away from her best friend, breaking their hearts.  My mother did not want to name me “Alicia Renee” her choice was “Terri Lynn”, she had my name changed.  In Louisiana they apparently just scratch through the typed name and write the new name on the birth certificate.  I always questioned this whenever I saw the certificate, because it truly looks ridiculous.  She stuck by this story… that the hospital sent her a notice… if she wanted to make any changes to her child’s name to do so at that time so she took that as a sign to go with her second choice for names.  My father moved back in and he raised me as if I was his own.

Every year for as long as Elsie lived she sent me birthday and all sorts of cards, with how much she loved me written on them, which confused me because I barely knew her.  I’ve found out that my biological father had 2 daughters (my half-sisters) I knew nothing about.  After finding out about them, I assumed they wanted nothing to do with me because we had never met.  Most likely my mother decided to keep them away because they would have exposed her story.

Most people would say “that’s nothing to be so sad about” but I can tell you it is, when you’ve believed your while life one thing then find out another it is devastating.  Lies Are Devastating.  When you already had no self-worth, this kind of revelation can and did drive me to deep depression and to question everything that ever happened.  It does not matter what causes your depression, what matters is how you process it.  I resented my mother, began to gain a lot of weight and became more and more depressed.  I had a breakdown in 2010.  My Brother again came to my rescue and got me into a treatment facility for 30 days, it helped for a little while but the depression came right back, worsening over time.   I hid my depression from many with my goofy personality and humor.  I was obsessed with my mother’s bad behavior and blaming her for everything.  This brings me to the end of 2015.

The next post will continue the story.